Contempt is My New Favorite Word - Wk #4

Contempt. 

It comes from the Latin word "contemptus" and means scorn or disdain. And has recently become my new favorite word. 

Why? 

Contrary to what you may be thinking, it's not because I find it to be a word I ought to embody and live by. 

No, its because contempt is a loaded word. It's not merely, disliking, or difficulty in getting along, or being upset with someone... It's so much more. It seems to describe an ugly depth of feeling that we all deep down know too well. It embodies disgust in its fullest form. 

When we have contempt for others, we don't see them as human beings anymore - with feelings, desires, capabilities, dreams, goals and normal shortcomings as real and legitimate as our own - we see them as objects. Lesser than us. Less righteous than us. Less deserving of love than us. 

Holding a person in contempt sounds like the last nutrient we want to add to our soil of relationship. And having others see us contemptuously doesn't sound like roses and sunflowers either. So why do we let it occur? 

Contempt is conceived of negative thoughts and feelings towards another person. These negative feelings, when watered, produce themselves in ugly contemptible ways. 

Then we see a cycle appear. The more negative things we are looking for the more we have to feel contempt about, and then we repeat. Stuck in this collusion of looking for the negative and then expressing our disgust over the aforementioned negative act. We don't seek reconciliation, we seek more fuel to our growing self-inflicted pain. 

In fact, if contempt was tangible, I would describe it as a piercing thorn. Devoid of comfort and love. It seems so small, yet we feel the prick and pain so acutely. There is nothing smooth and loving or reviving in contempt. It seeks to leak poison over the buds of relationships. 

Contempt is the killer of marriages. Contempt is the killer of friends. And contempt for ideas and groups of people is what divides our country asunder. Contempt seeks to slide in, poison slowly and steadily, and then rip away what we once loved, or have not yet allowed ourselves to love.

So, what is my point? 

My point is that marriages need help first and foremost. Before we can address friends or neighbors, before we can address the "other side" of the political spectrum whom we can't seem to agree with, before we address anyone else, it's our marriages that need help this moment. 

Our divorce rates are catastrophic. And it seems like the people who do stay married aren't very happy. But according to the Gottman Institute, it's contempt that is the single greatest predictor of divorce, and it kills emotionally, psychologically and physically. 

The eye rolling. The sarcasm. The name-calling. The ridiculing. The mocking. It's all debilitating our marriages.  And if we don't do something to reverse our contempt, it's going to kill our own marriage. 

So, let's replace that word. Let's replace the contempt. 

Dr. John Gottman asks his couples that he's working with to replace the contempt with kind words and thoughts of gratitude instead. That gratitude and appreciation is our lifeline that we need to cling to when contempt rises to the surface. 

Treat contempt like the poison it is and eradicate it from the premises of your heart and home. Embrace appreciation. Live gratefully for your spouse. Don't let yourself brood over the negative things that you are so very keenly aware of in your spouse. If something isn't right in your relationship, learn the skills of effective communication and appreciation. 

And if your spouse treats you with contempt, don't add gas to the fire. Extinguish the fire with words of love, compassion, gratitude, and humility. 

Does merely removing contempt fix all the marital problems out there? No. Of course not. Unpacking the ways in which healthy marriages thrive would take more than a simple blog post. 

But I will say, that removing and eradicating contempt from your heart is one of the best things you can do for your marriage or relationship of any sort. Taking that step and moving closer to unconditional love, will only improve a marriage at the very least. 

Couples argue, they even fight. There are financial issues. Familial issues. Health issues. Issues of all shapes and sizes, but once we remove contempt, we remove the sting out of these hard discussions we need to have. 

Let's strive to save our marriages - starting by taking the sting out of our words and actions - now and always. 

REFERENCES:

The Gottman Institute - gottman.com