A tip for driving safely... in marriage! - Wk #9

Do you remember the first time you drove a car?

Do you remember listening to it as it turned on? With nervousness, did you adjust your seat, and with excitement move your mirrors?

Did the thought of driving thrill or terrify you?

I remember being about ten years old driving along a dirt road with my family. It was a lovely fall day and the dirt road was free of traffic. My parents offered that we could have a go at driving if we would like.

Seeing as I was still too small to reach the pedals on the ground, I sat on my dad's lap. I turned the wheel while he applied the gas and more importantly, the brakes.

I look back on that memory with fondness.

At fifteen, the real driving began. I could reach the pedals and turn the wheels! How nerve wracking and even daunting this task was. I knew all the rules. All the laws. All the correct procedures. How soon to slow down, and when I should stop or go depending on the signs in the area.

Two years later, when I was receiving my license training, my instructor told me, "You'll never be pulled over, or get in trouble if you are following all the rules you know you are supposed to follow."

I think about that now as a pro knee driver, and expert road multi-tasker. Driving is second nature it seems (unless you're driving through Utah... nothing can prepare you for that.)

I get lax sometimes. I don't think about all the rules. I don't watch for all the signs, but especially, I don't always apply the brakes when I should.

I speed up to stop lights and then slam on my brakes. I'll miss turns because I didn't slow down in time. I've bumped and backed into vehicles without hitting my brakes soon enough (you probably really want to drive with me after I've admitted that!)

But driving is a lot like marriage - it's a lot safer if you know when, and how to apply your brakes.

Oftentimes in our marriages, discussions can get heated and emotions start rising higher and higher to the surface. The urge to defend ourselves may get stronger and hurling accusations may feel necessary.

In these moments, it is best try and repair the situation from getting out of hand. It is best to avoid letting an issue become a reason we attack our spouse's character.

These are what John Gottman of the Gottman Institute like to call repair attempts. "Think of a repair attempt as slamming on the brakes when you see a red light. You do this to avoid a collision that could harm your marriage."

Repairs attempts could look like a number of different things. From inserting appropriate humor, to pulling a silly face, to saying I'm sorry, or genuinely conceding to a point of view, or even a, "Hey, maybe we should put on the brakes here and start over."

Whatever your repair attempts look like, these attempts can save your emotional discussions from turning into cage fights.

Adding these repair attempts to your conversations will help you and your spouse to relax, slow each other's heart rates down, and to remember that you are on the same team! 

So, drive carefully and thoughtfully. Approach red lights with care and be ready to put that foot on the brakes. Braking often and early can safeguard against accidental wounds and scars. It can save discussions from turning into fights, and it can help you remember that driving - like marriages - are safer when you are being intentional and following all the rules of safety.