Do we treat marriages like cellphones? - Wk #8

"Do what's best for you."

"You've got to put yourself first."

"If you're not happy, then why are you doing it?"

We live in a world where the pursuit of one's happiness is the end-all be-all. Where living life to the fullest, and catering to our own needs comes first before all else. 

And when we do make the occasional sacrifice, we play the victim. "Doesn't he know I have feelings too? Why is it always about him?", "Here I am working my butt off each day, and she can't even ask me how I'm doing! Some thanks. She always thinks life is about her."

These statements are so tragically ironic as we consistently put ourselves before others by grasping on to the invisible branches of our "needs."

We tend to think of all our "needs" as being explicitly outlined in the Constitution of the United Feelings of Me. We are aghast when even our own beloved act as if they've never read this imperative document. We suppose that, Maybe if I clearly outline every amendment and right, they'll understand better... 

This self-created Constitution might have a preamble such as, "I Amanda, in order to have the most perfect union, have established rights and needs to secure my own sanity and self interests. Unless explicitly met, this union will fail, and a new union shall be established." 

And here we reach our issue with only pursuing our "needs" before the needs of our spouse: 

We are treating marriages like consumers 

with their cellphones

This consumerism mentality that just like a smartphone, my marriage is meant to serve me, meet all my "needs" and when these "needs" are no longer met I must find a new union.

I paraphrase Roy Baumeister, a social psychologist and author when he observed that: 

Morality has become allied with self-interest. Doing what's best for oneself has

 become almost a sacred obligation. Many today can no longer accept the idea that love requires sacrificing or making oneself unhappy. If a relationship does 

not bring pleasure, insight, satisfaction and fulfillment to the self, it is regarded as 

wrong and the individual feels obligated to end the relationship and find a new one.   

If our approach in marriage is consumerism - it will fail every time. 

Marriage must be approached from a place of, "How can I best meet his needs right now?" "What do I need to sacrifice for her?" "How I can treat him with more respect?" "How can I love her in a way where I don't want to point out every thing she does wrong?" 

Legitimate needs do need to be addressed in a marriage. But sometimes those needs must shift, or be sacrificed in order to aid your spouse. 

Marriage is not a union of, "I give 50% and you give 50% ... paybacks ... eye for an eye... etc." 

Marriage is a union of, "I give 100% and you give 100% and when you can't give your all, I'll carry you until you can. We'll work through these things together. I expect you to be flawed, but I'll love you nonetheless." 

Those are the unions we need to see more of. Our marriages deserve our time, hard work and complete devotion. They deserve more work and time than any career, hobby, or distraction ever should. 

Don't let your marriage be nigh unto your cellphone or couch, where when it gets old and doesn't serve you properly, you buy a new one. 

Our preambles needs a little more of, "We, as husband and wife, in order to form a more complete marriage, establish kindness, unconditional love, and forgiveness in order to serve and uplift the other person in our pursuits of growth and humility..."

So, when your spouse can't seem to hear you the first time, hasn't asked how you're doing yet today, and for the love of mother nature can't take the trash out, I want you to ask yourself, 

Whose "needs" am I thinking about right now?