Discussing Gottman's 4 Horsemen - Wk #5

Why doesn't marriage work for so many couples?

According to Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman institute, contrary to what therapists advise, simply learning new communication skills is not the end all be all in making marriage work.

While communicating is important, it's not the bigger issue.

John Gottman has dedicated his life work to understanding couples and why some stay together and why others don't. Gottman has conducted experiments on countless couples in pursuit of understanding why so many couples get divorced.

His results are fascinating, and I would like to share just a little bit of what he has found.

Gottman has what he likes to call the four horsemen that come striding into relationships destines to harm, maim and kill.

These four horsemen are: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

Criticism. There is a difference between complaining and criticizing. A complaint says, 

"The dishes never got done today. You told me you would do that while I was gone." 

While a criticism says, 

"Of course the dishes didn't get done, you never get 

anything done while I'm gone!"

The problem with criticizing your partner is that it paves the way for contempt, which is the most deadly horseman, as we discussed in a previous blog.

Contempt, is a way of telling your partner that he or she disgusts you, and that you can never possibly stoop to their level. It's a way of showing your spouse that they and their feelings are worthless in your eyes. This is done by eye rolling, ridiculing, sarcasm, name calling, scoffing and the like. It looks something like,

 "Oh you work sooo hard don't you? Don't even talk to me about hard work,

 as you sit on your lazy butt and act like a moron... yeah, I don't need to take this."

"Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce" according to the Gottman Institute.

Defensiveness. It typically comes in conjunction with criticism as we try and play the innocent victim. Unfortunately, these efforts usually backfire as our partner gets frustrated with our defensiveness and as we become ever defensive. Defensiveness says,

"It isn't my fault I work so much. How can I be expected to work long hours

and come home and clean..."

Lastly, Stonewalling. This one is the saddest for me. Instead of responding to your partner it just becomes easier to ignore your partner. You become flooded as your partner's negativity invites you into "fight or flight" mode, and so not responding seems like the best option. Don't give into this horseman.

There are so many ways to avoid these four horsemen and so many better alternatives. Some useful things to try is if you need a break before, during or after a conversation with your partner, take it. Or if your partner criticizes don't take the bait. Even just apologizing might lessen the heat. 

Below I also include an image from the Gottman Institute that informs of the four horsemen and their antidotes

I also highly recommend Gottman's book, 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. This book is more than informative and more than just, "learn to communicate better".

Marriage can work. We just need to be willing to actually work hard enough to make it happen, and smart enough to actually use the incredible resources that are available. 

REFERENCES: 

The Gottman Institute - gottman.com 

7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman, 2015